All is Well

 The thing that makes me always silent on what I feel, because I understand very well how people will respond. It's not overthinking, but I've really memorized it. And they will make me "dull old stuff" when I try to tell them how I feel. And then, I prefer to be silent, and sometimes I share what I feel with people who think "oh I believe this person". I'm just afraid of being disappointed by the response of other people who sometimes don't want to think openly, afraid of getting sick.

  Fragile? No. Just be more careful in doing things for now. The more I know more about the world, the more disappointed I feel. There are many lies that I should not know, but I was forced to know them. There is regret, there is relief. I'm sorry that sometimes some things in the world that I admire are just manipulative, not real. And my relief is because I know the truth, and it doesn't take me long to be lulled by the beauty of the world.

  I was angry with God for everything that happened in my life. My journey, my problems, my environment and so on. But, behind it all, I'm not the type of person who is really hard at thinking. I'm pretty clear in my thoughts when I'm alone. I know that God has given me all trials because God knows that I am capable, yes, at least this is like disgusting words and very false when people say that they are carried away by emotions. But I believe in that, I believe that my trials are revenge for my mistakes in the world and a field of reward for me when I am able to go through them sincerely. Even though it's undeniable, there are times when I cry and the only words I can say are "why am I feeling all this? I don't want to".

  I don't even know what the real state of my heart is. Broken or still working. I've been in a lot of pain, but I know that there are people out there who are sicker than me. So I am ashamed if I have to feel that I am the one who is hurt the most. Because the pain I feel in life is still small compared to people out there. And the embarrassing news is that they can still be grateful and laugh, while I complain. Bad!!

   Since I was a child, I have often seen my parents fighting. I am required to be a perfect child. Smart, can do this or that, independent. Even though inside me, there is a pain that I can't explain to anyone. Even the feeling of pain has become a part of me because I have been holding it all by myself for so long. My father always demanded that I be a smart, polite child, should be kind to everyone and I was demanded to always be disciplined in various things and even in relationships. That's what makes me different from my other friends. And my mother always demands that I be a strong woman which sometimes I can't even stop crying but my mother always says, and to this day I still remember her words "You have to be a strong woman. Don't want to be humiliated by men. you have to be independent you have to be able to do anything yourself. don't cry"

   I know that my parents' upbringing is correct, they want their children to be good. But it turns out that the older I get, the more I feel that my family harmony is different. I used to cry when I found out that my mother and father were going to divorce. I'm afraid to say I don't have a father. I am afraid that my mother will be burdened with making a living on her own. I was embarrassed, and even then I was still in elementary school and those things made me afraid that my parents would be separated. But as I grew older, every time I heard them fighting, it ended with the decision to separate. I just always say "it's okay, if it's for the best, it's better to separate. I just don't want them to continue in a relationship with feelings that are equally burdened. If that makes my father and mother happy, why not?" I'm an adult, and I know very well how my mother feels. My mother is really angry with me about trivial things, but behind it all I'm really proud of my mother. My mother only graduated from elementary school, very different from what she gave me until I could become a graduate. But my mother's persistence, her patience, her independence made me proud. My mother is not tech savvy, but she is very smart in kitchen matters. The food that my mother cooks is always a lot of bargaining to buy. Finally we opened a small catering to fulfill my mother's hobby. My mother is also a very clean person, my mother is the most angry when the house is dirty. Yes, that's mom. I love him so much.

    I believe in life, not everything goes smoothly. For example, I think. I was born in a very affluent family, I never even felt deprived. I have what my friends don't have. My father works in an electricity company in a neighboring country with a position and salary that can be considered large. I'm lucky. But like I said, not all life goes smoothly. Because I want my family to be together, my family is harmonious, I ask my father to resign and I promise to fulfill the needs of our family life. I work, I can't stand to see them living apart for years.

   Until finally when I have entered the world of work and fulfill household needs. I was surprised, with my income which is much different from my father's so far. It turns out that what I produce is less. My family and I are used to living with no small needs. It's not that we splurge, but we do have a lot of basic needs. So far, we have never had a hard time with this budget. But because my income, which can be said to only touch the minimum wage, can't cover my family's needs.

    Sad? Obviously I'm sad. I know what it's like to be the backbone of the family. Maybe for those who live simply, the UMR is quite a number and very sufficient. While in my family the value of 5 million / month is very minus. But, I always feel proud because I have never complained in front of my parents about finances. I always try because I realize that all this time my life has been very sufficient for them since I was little.

  I don't know what will happen next, but I believe whatever I do now will definitely pay off one day. I am grateful for the trials in my life. I know it hurts, but it made me feel confident that I'm cool. Maybe not all children will be strong to be me, maybe not all children will remain calm with family conditions that are not harmonious like me.